Imagine you are lying in bed, relaxing. Suddenly, a giant picks you up without warning, strips off your clothes, and starts wiping your body with a cold cloth—all while talking to someone else on the phone. You would feel confused, powerless, and disrespected.
Yet, this is often how we treat infants. We love them, but we do things to them, rather than with them.
In the Montessori and RIE (Resources for Infant Educarers) philosophies, we flip the script. We believe that caregiving activities (diapering, feeding, bathing) are the prime times for learning and connection.
The Difference Between "At" and "With"
Talking At the Baby: Using a high-pitched "baby voice" to distract them while you quickly finish a chore. "Look at the toy! Look over there!" (while you wipe their face).
Talking With the Baby: Treating them as a partner. Slowing down, making eye contact, and explaining what is happening.
The Script of Respect It might feel strange to talk to a 3-month-old who cannot talk back, but they are listening. Here is what respectful caregiving looks like:
1. Forecast Your Actions (The Preview) Before you touch your baby, tell them what you are going to do.
Instead of: Just grabbing them from the mat.
Try: "I am going to pick you up now." Then, wait a beat. You might see their body tense slightly or their eyes lock onto yours. That is them preparing to be held.
2. Request Cooperation (Even Before They Can) During a diaper change, invite them to participate.
Say: "Can you lift your legs?"
The Result: At 4 months, they might just stare at you. But by 6 or 8 months, because you have asked every time, they will actually start lifting their legs for you! You have turned a struggle into teamwork.
3. Leave Space for the "Return" Conversation is a tennis match—serve and return. When you say something to your baby ("That water is warm, isn't it?"), pause. Wait for their coo, their kick, or their smile. That is their line in the dialogue. If we talk non-stop, we teach them to tune us out. If we pause, we teach them that their voice matters.
Why It Matters When you talk with your baby during these intimate moments, you are teaching them three critical lessons:
I am important: My body belongs to me, and I deserve to know what is happening to it.
I am capable: I can participate in my own care.
Language has meaning: Words predict reality ("I am going to wipe your face" = a wet cloth touches my face).
Conclusion The next time you change a diaper, don't rush. Put down the phone. Look into their eyes. Slow down and invite them into the conversation. You aren't just changing a diaper; you are building a relationship based on dignity and trust.